TO BE CRAVING
WHAT IS CRAVING? It’s mostly a force of ACTION and RESISTANCE at the same time- an energy of attraction-repulsion, causing nausea or dizziness, alternating desire and shame and inducing confusion about whether it’s good or not to be wanting so much ‘this’ or ‘that’, obsessively, leading to the final trap of MORAL JUDGEMENT….
CRAVING is a dance between action and inaction, PROCRASTINATION and DRIVE, putting the subject in a state of tension and restlessness as well as lethargy.
What are we looking for- when trying to fill up the void, the emptiness, with a fun and pleasurable thing or event, excessively and imperatively, seeking some immediate satisfaction?
What is this space we are trying to fill when reaching out for sensorial external objects such as food, sex, drug, alcohol, television, Facebook, cigarettes, parties, – or all that is needed to be somehow OUT OF CONTROL, an attempt to breathe fully, to inspire some intensity of life, or just to be NUMB. To let be, to be ‘FREE’, to let GO with the FLOW. An attempt to miscalculate, to make ‘mistakes’, to let life be almost ‘without you’ or ‘without me’. A way to disengage from life while pushing everything that makes you feel ‘alive’ forward, forward, forward. Adrenaline. Nervous system and heart boosting. Feeling of floating or merging into water then burning up into fire. Sometimes it seems we need this coarse, almost brutal, energy, maybe extreme, or even daily, to feel we can actually ‘be’ here, on this Earth. To feel we can take some space – even the most futile one, in one good crazy night you might not remember completely the next day. What is my place in this world? A way to APPEAR-DISAPPEAR. To be absorbed. It can be the most unsatisfactory space and food for the soul, and still, it feels GOOD. IT FEELS SOOO GOOD IN THE MOMENT. Then it can bring some shame, remorse, bad health, destructive patterns and partners, addiction, well you know the song. Or just tiredness and a sense of meaninglessness. So GOOD- So BAD.
Of course, the other polarity of CRAVING would be to REPRESS, or we might say, CONTROL our desires, in an attempt to plan, predict, foresee, everything and everybody so that nothing can distract or shake you. An attempt to calculate, be calm and right in any circumstances. ‘I am solid whatever hits me’. ‘I will not be tempted’. Well it’s also a way to disengage from life while trying to control every bit of it, as if you ‘could’ really, as if you were, yourself, the center of the Universe. But in fact you are mostly withdrawing your true self from FEELING. It’s another kind of coarse energy that relies on being on top of things and never let anything UNBALANCE you. The thing is, the current of life is moving and changing, and so do you. The satisfaction that comes from control is still pretty shaky because you ought to become an over easily irritated and cold person when, you know, sometimes, things don’t go YOUR WAY. But what happens if you don’t DO or SUCCEED the way you SHOULD HAVE? Self-deception, guilt, feeling of FAILURE.
What are we looking for- what are we looking for?
So, when we seek to satisfy every craving, we LOSE OURSELVES by giving up on LIFE not questioning or FEELING really, but just wanting to consume and be consumed, MORE MORE MORE. When we seek to control, we also LOSE OURSELVES by this illusion of control on LIFE, overthinking everything systematically without FEELING really, just wanting to transcend and overpower, bypass LIFE and KARMA.
In both cases, PERSONAL IDENTITY is all over the place, from extreme LET GO and WITHDRAWAL to extreme DOMINATION and POWER.
BIG NEWS: You are not the master of the Universe – but you can be the master of your life and not be enslaved to it. But how? How to get the taste of LIBERATION? And does liberation HAVE a taste?
Well I think it surely has ALL OF THEM.
How to live life AS IT IS, with all its surprises, intensity, passion and also dullness and boredom, contributing with values of love, physical and mental health, peace, community, free expression of self?
How to be in this world without falling into the trap of our MULTIPLE PATTERNS and ATTEMPTS to ENJOY LIFE AS IT IS while always seeking to transform it into WHAT IT IS NOT but mostly WHAT WE WOULD WANT IT TO BE?
What are we looking for- what are we looking for?
What does being committed to life means? How to reconcile those polarities oscillating between pleasure and destruction; judgement and guilt; fun and righteousness? The mind’s tendency to stand in either one or another side is building a shield of protection from life. One way or another, it is rooted in FEAR.
Is there a way out and a NEW SPACE where we can express all life’s passion, textures, sensations, emotions, while finding stillness and balance, making ‘mistakes’ and also virtuous choices, being too loose and being too rigid all at once, just ACCEPTING WHAT IS? And yes, you can be a Zen master and feel anger! And yes you can be a wrestler and feel weak!
Where is that space where DUALITY FADES? How can we see once and for all that our most extreme parts are ONE AND THE SAME? That ONE is always the OTHER? How can we not LOVE or HATE our patterns but just observe them as manifestations of energy needed to be SEEN. Why not try to dig in a little bit deeper to the ROOT?
To ‘transcend’ any kind of habit, pattern, concept, craving, desire, we need to first let go of the idea of transcending- and dive into the PAIN. Dive into it as a WHOLE being and not a fragmented and tortured one. I feel that when WE WANT SOOOOO BAD TO TRANSCEND, oops, we just chose another way. We avoid, we subvert, we ignore, we DENY.
So, maybe, to help the mind be at the service of the WHOLENESS OF LIFE, we first need TO GRIEVE.
To want and want and want something and get it or not is exhausting. Sometimes we don’t even know WHY we want this ‘thing’ so bad but we keep chasing it- because it would be harder to look in the mirror and see the LACK, the VOID we are trying to fill: I FEEL ALONE, I FEEL SAD, I FEEL POWERLESS, I FEEL USELESS. Sometimes we would rather cover up all this with dirt, like we would cover a hole in the ground showing our bones and flesh. What we feel inside we project outside if we don’t PROCESS IT, it IMPRINTS in our body; it can create strong energy fields, dynamics and even diseases.
WE NEED TO GRIEVE WHAT HURTS INSIDE, and even if it’s buried deep deep deep, it will affect you and your life until you really HUMBLE YOURSELF AND FACE IT. Face the dirt- and then the flesh and bones. The dancing demons. The philosopher’s stones. Then you will gain a NEW POWER, the one TO CHOSE.
CHOSE consciously to engage in life with all its waves and dark currents, its undergrounds and skies. CHOSE to appreciate what is without needing to WANT WANT WANT so much, to lose control or keep control – just knowing that paddling the waters of life means sometimes having to paddle with your bare hands, while other times it means to let yourself slide down the stream- it’s a NEW GUIDANCE- not without you completely, not with you as the exclusive commander. WHERE ARE YOU then?
YOUR ARE IMMERSED IN CONSCIOUSNESS.
Engaging with life is accepting the totality of the self with all its hidden dirty treasures and its golden effulgence. Des-identify with the mind games. TRUST THE WHOLE.
Then it’s easier to understand the forces holding the world and transforming it and us with both preservative and destructive energies; it’s easier to comprehend and integrate the union between Shiva and Shakti – this incredible life force. It’s easier to feel SUPPORTED at all times because nothing is permanent but the DIVINE. It’s easier to look at Kâli in the eyes.
Accepting the totality of life, it makes it easier to really BE as you are and not wish you were somehow different. TO TASTE all flavours of life consciously. TO BE WHOLE and BEAUTIFUL. Like a beautiful whole grain vegan croissant!
One shall not come to another talking about unconditional love while asking the other to change. Unconditional love has nothing to do with authority or resolution. It is so hard to accept conflict and chaos when we just wanna be in peace and harmony, all the time. I am at peace with chaos thus it leads to manifestation and creation and, indeed, real change. The unexpected, magical, natural one. In time. One shall learn to be patient and remember that Love supports us within peace and harmony, all the time.
One shall not come to another talking about unconditional love while asking the other to change. When you demand concrete change you are hereby putting conditions and hence creating a space of non acceptance and fear, when we shall try to work together to create safe spaces of trust.
One should try to open his ears to discuss the truth of what unites him with the other, his arms to accept the pain without mistaking it for permanent identity, his heart to bond in common humble responsibility, his eyes to look beyond with compassion. To really love, one should have courage. That is true Love.
I choose to accept yourself as you are, with no expectations – wishing in secret we can meet somewhere along our separate ways of being and understanding, and also trying to let go of the wish.
I choose to accept myself with my vulnerability and my flaws, my anger and my sadness, my joy and my everlasting happiness – not trying to change myself but allowing myself to be and feel and touch and raise in humanness and consciousness, all the time.
STEPPING INTO ONENESS – or the angels garland
Venus retrograde and dark planetary times are enjoining us to dive deeper within ourselves, sending some of us quite challenging situations, in the physical and/or emotional realm(s). We are also entering this time of the year where leaves are falling and the day of the dead is coming on October 31st. It’s a great opportunity to go with the flow and dive in, facing what needs to be faced and let it die. I feel that a strong current of fresh new energy is coming, that will certainly alleviate our individual and common tiredness throughout this time where obstacles (inner and outer) makes us wanna cry out Ganesha more and more…!
I just met this Indian guy coming back from Quebec City after a difficult moment with my family. He was late. We were 5 in the ride share which is not common, so he had to sit in the middle in the back of the car. He didn’t have cash on him, he didn’t speak French, he seemed kindda lost but he didn’t really care. He was a funny guy (well I found him funny). I was still a bit shaken by emotions but fine. The thing is: we laughed a lot talking together – we went through deep shit and he kept saying ‘what’s the rooooot, what’s the rooooot’. This random encounter just felt like being back in India during 3 hours, sitting on the floor and chatting with a chai; I could finally breathe and take a break of all this seriousness around with our North American ego thing. Of course, Indian people also have egos – but we were raised in such a different context – from one side he had been taught to stay in essence, with God, every day; and from another side I had been taught to strive in life to build up something and be the master of my own life and choices. Two different dimensions… so he was looking to get money and a good situation (God firrrrst, money, seconddd!, he kept saying); and I was looking to stay in my essence and Truth as much as I could and clear all the unessential stuff I was conditioned into. We were both trying to find balance – from the point where we were standing, respectively.
He reminded me that working is a good thing and that I should get into it more everyday and develop steadfastness – and I reminded him of freedom of mind and heart connection and Truth. It was so funny to observe each other in this upside down mirror – we laughed so much. He told me how he found us serious with everything. And I agreed, remembering how I laughed in India, while I was going through a lot at a deep emotional and spiritual level. People had always quite the humour. Why is it so hard to do so here? Why can’t we have an interaction with somebody where we open our heart to share our feelings and it can’t be, first: accepted and not condemned or lived as an accusation; second: embraced with love; third; laughed at, at a certain point, because we shall remember that we live in an illusion world that is there for us to learn and grow. We shall know the truth does not reside in our egoic reactions. Indian kindda get that naturally – they don’t bother that much with direct honesty and feelings going and flying all over the place. South American people are also a very unresentful, easy going and playful culture. (of course there are other problems and contradictions but still they get us this heart thing and this ‘God’ surrender- thing more easily than us) Every culture is held by a specific system that gives direction to our social behaviours and priorities in life, of course, and I am generalizing… jaja
Anyways, I do feel we are a bit rough and serious here. We want to be right and we want justice over our egos. We want to fight, or we want our emotions to gain more value over the other. We quantify. We want power. We want control. Or we don’t wanna SEE anything, as long as it ‘WORKS OUT’ for US. We don’t wanna bend.
The question is HOW CAN WE BE LESS SERIOUS AND STEP INTO ONENESS MORE? HOW CAN WE BREAK THE INFINITE CHAIN OF SEPARATION?
First of all, what does it mean to be separate? It’s what we call being an INDIVIDUAL, it’s our personality, our tastes, our flaws, our qualities, our talents – and being an individual is also what makes us unique and serving, in our own way, the society and the world. Being an individual brings the idea that we are separate from the other beside us and that he/she is separate from the other, etc. It also means that, because we are separate, we have different perspectives and feelings about ourselves and the world in front of us, different ways of being. It means subjectivity. We all hold a world in ourselves. I don’t see it as a bad thing. We can actually channel individuality in a very creative way.
In addition to being separated, we are also linked. We are like this Christmas garland of multiple figures standing side by side and holding hands (I think they are angels? – they used to make us craft that at school). A character alone cannot be considered as a garland. It needs all the others to be part of the decoration. It’s what we call being part of a COMMUNITY, a community can be a couple, family, friend, neighbour, person crossed on the street, and if we extend our consciousness, all the people in the world and within all the worlds that we don’t know personally but who exist.
When we do a LOVING-KINDNESS meditation, for example, we start by sending love to ourselves, then to the close ones, and then we extend our consciousness and love to more and more people, countries, continents, until the love melts into infinity and we feel we are ONE. We merge into our essence. I invite you to practice loving-kindness on a regular basis – not necessarily by doing a sitting meditation (which I love to do 😉)but by keeping this awareness that you are so much bigger than your individual self – hence you are much smaller, meaning your ego is very far from who you REALLY are. If you give something to a homeless person, by example: money, a smile, food, you practice loving-kindness- there are so many ways to connect. Basically, it’s to not fall into the trap of ignoring the other (what we mostly do in an individualistic culture). It’s a practice of love and humility.
However, it doesn’t mean that your ego doesn’t require attention – it would be hiding from yourself – it means that it’s important to remember that when we live some tough emotions, to not identify with them. Live them, share them if you feel it’s important, in the most respectful way, from the heart, as much as possible, but know and feel, deeply, in your heart, you are ONE. When a big emotion comes in: sadness, anger, rejection, whatever that is, first: remember it’s totally natural to be experimenting emotions and we should not reject or deny them, second: it’s a blessing that is there to teach and it’s probably not linked to something new but to something you haven’t burned karmikly yet, third: the person you are sharing your emotion with might not accept or be compassionate about it, you don’t have control over that, fourth: you might feel you are left alone with your emotion, or you might feel solidarity, but, in any case, you’d better accept yourself ALREADY, if not, you risk to be left alone with a feeling of shame – and you don’t want that.
WHERE ARE THE PLACES AND/OR THE PEOPLE YOU CAN EXPRESS YOUR EMOTIONS AND TRANSCEND THEM IN A RELATION OF LOVE BETWEEN CONSCIOUS PEOPLE?
I would say: all places and all people are good. The human playground is very big. But if you make a vow to yourself to be your authentic self and express what need to be expressed, kindly, in all situations, in a respectful way – you might not always receive love and compassion (of course not), and you might get tired and step into frustration if you don’t take some genuine breaks. It might also be too much for others to receive. People are not used to that. So let me say you have to have a big amount of love and compassion for yourself that is already there inside of you. Compassion for YOURSELF and for the other, of course, it’s the same thing. (Can we get to that simple fact…? Not yet…)
I dream that if we had more authentic and conscious sharing of our emotions, that if we saw what comes up for one or the other in a less personal way, those difficult moments might become beautiful opportunities to heal together past karma, without blaming of feeling guilty. I dream that if we could stay there, in this very uncomfortable zone sometimes, a bit longer, we could ultimately find this ONENESS – this vibration of ONE.
The tricky thing is, One: we never know what we are gonna receive (even if it’s not directed at us really) or how we are gonna be received – we might not be able to take it on, momentarily or at all, so, large amount of uncertainty here; Two: when we choose to stay we have to feel respected in the space – if we feel we are entering an uncomfortable space that leads to HARM or PUNISHMENT(from whatever part including from us to us) and the intentions are blurry, it’s ok to leave, and it can even be beneficial. Staying in a bad relationship for the sake of learning spiritually should not be an option. Besides, there has to be some openness and emotional togetherness. Trying to share repeatedly with a closed person might lead to a destructive pattern. We can also choose our level of personal implication in a specific relation, or change the nature of a relation, if needed. Hence, we have to develop more discernment and clarity but mostly more self knowledge and SELF-LOVE. It’s THE big thing we need. Not ego, or pride, but SELF-LOVE. I guess you don’t learn that at school… (you learn how to compete with the other children, have good grades and win a bunch of weird random competitions though… )
If the space and the intentions are of sincere love, despite the frictions, it’s possible to move back and fourth within difficult contacts and leave time for us and the other to grow more consciousness and compassion before we go back again. If we feel this is worth the effort. The effort can also be to break the link with a person and re-establish the inner LOVE RELATION WITH YOURSELF. This relational space, if well watered, can be a beautiful field of blooming flowers, but you should ALWAYS start with YOURSELF.
WHY CAN’T WE SEE THE BEAUTY OF IT WHEN IT COMES TO HARSH STUFF?
Come on guys, it cannot always be beautiful and easy (it is actually); but… first we have to work a bit 😉 and then you get some breakthroughs and SEE the BEAUTY.
For me, stepping into oneness more and more, first in my meditations, has been bringing me more INNER PEACE. I have been through difficult situations since I’m back from Mexico that brought up emotions like frustration, sadness, deception, a feeling of not being seen for my essential value and quality, loneliness, incomprehension, exclusion. (wow just realizing that’s a big list!)
Those emotions were not easy to share with the loved ones and I struggled with it because first: I tend to keep things inside and process alone until recently, second: because of all those years of ‘keeping in’, a frustration is present in me and also transmitted even if I don’t ‘want’ to and it’s an issue I am facing right now, third: one’s emotions can surely and most probably trigger the other person’s emotions (or latent wounds) and then we have to deal with a bunch of confused emotions that bump into each other and have no time to be burned but, quite the opposite, they BURN US DOWN before we know it. We are suddenly in the middle of an emotional arcade of bumper cars where everyone tries to win before the bell rings! (Never really understood the point of bumper cars…) It becomes too noisy. Nobody can LISTEN.
Most possibly, if one is expressing a difficult emotion to the other, chances are the first one is in a situation of more vulnerability – but – I can also observe that it is not always the case. It is difficult to know what is really going on when we enter the marvelous underground world of relationships and communication and the space of the lower chakras. There is also the matter of holding your space (and sometimes the other’s space…), giving space to the other, and staying in true love and compassion. Showing true love and compassion doesn’t mean that you have to take everything on you and be sorry for everything and regret you ever spoke anything to anybody (I can be like that), it means you take the space you deserve for yourself that is of self love and compassion – without stepping on the other’s space (that is a tricky one because some people need ‘more’ space and it has to be just the fair amount).
HOW TO PACIFY WITHOUT TAKING EVERYTHING ON OUR SHOULDERS? WHY ISN’T IT A GOOD THING TO JUST ‘TAKE THE BLAME’ EVEN IF IT’S NOT YOURS TO TAKE?
If there is no fair balance in the exchange and one is stepping over the other or one is stepping over himself or herself, more hurt is created rather than peace – more karma (damn and you thought you were clearing stuffff well you still are don’t worry) hurting yourself, hurting the other. Taking somebody’s blame on you, for example, might inhibit the other to gain the clarity and consciousness he/she needs to evolve in his/her path. Well, and you thought you were PROTECTING the other or even SAVING him/her… damnnnn! And you know what? That is the moment you are suppose to start laughing… (tough right..?)
Showing true love and compassion is being able to feel for the other person, without taking all the responsibility (unless really you are totally in fault), being able to step back on certain things you might have said or did, not try to justify everything, but, instead, pacify. Or at least, try. If you can, offer a warm, silent glance or just take the other’s person hand. And if it is absolutely impossible and it’s leading nowhere because of high intensity emotions or ignorance, I repeat, it’s ok to leave. Trace your limits kindly. And if you missed the ‘kindly’ part at some point and lost patience, well, it’s ok to be sorry and try to make it up. If it’s too hard for the other person to forgive you or have compassion for you because you did a MISTAKE, as I said before, you have to have it for yourself – hence the other.
Respect the other’s limits and FORGIVE YOURSELF before you go down again to visit some of your own shadows. If you are the one with the difficulty to forgive, go there to soften up what seems to be very hard or at least to acknowledge what is there for you. There is always something to LEARN for each of us. And we most certainly occupy the different positions/roles at different moments and it shifts again…
HOW CAN WE NOT GET CONFUSED – HOW DO WE KNOW THE ‘RIGHT’ THING TO DO WHEN IT COMES TO FEELINGS AND COMMUNICATION?
Stay present, attentive, even take moments of silence. I do my mantra in my head more and more when I come across difficult conversations. Breathe… It is also ok and normal that when we try to go into deeper places and levels of consciousness, we ‘get’ hurt – I mean, the wounds are just getting clearer for you to see and heal. And no, it’s not really a fun party…! But… it is what it is, and also it is not! Keep an open mind. Take time to integrate what is happening and what happened. Be attentive. See how you feel in your body. Don’t be TOO HARD on yourself and don’t obsess in overthinking what you should have said or done or what the other said or did or did not. This just leads to negative mind patterns. Let go a bit. You cannot be PERFECT, and CELEBRATE yourself to have tried to connect.
I had deep interactions with very important people in such a short time in the last week or so… in so many spaces of receiving-transmitting emotions, being right, wrong, calm, agitated, acting, re-acting, feel-IN, OBSERVING, and so on. It was hard. It still is. But I am happy it happened and is happening. I am grateful to them and to myself. And I know now I need a laugh, a chai, and a break jaja
I feel love and compassion for myself and for them with all my heart. Deeply. Sincerely. I feel little tears tingling in my eyes as I write that… I say THANK YOU.
I go on, smiling, following this path of deepening what needs to be put into the light, this heart opening path. I go on, falling and rising above ego and suffering, and, immersed into beautiful purple light, today, I feel HAPPY. Truly, the happiness is deeper than anything else.
WHY CAN’T I BE YOU AND YOU BE ME?
I remember this international poetry festival in Cuba. We would all be there, proud to have ownership and recognition over our ‘obra’, our work, and those Cuban women, beautiful, would just read one of their friend’s poem sitting next to them, and etc. We would never know whose poem it was, really, it got confusing. When I asked one of them if she could read my poem, it felt like I was listening to a brand-new poem that was not mine-nor hers. It was in Portuguese and she was naturally reading it as if it were is Spanish. It felt like alchemy. Of languages and souls.
To YOU: I feel your ambivalence and your difficulty to compromise emotionally and socially because I am you and you are me – this is my ambivalence and my fear of commitment, and I hereby let them burn because I don’t need them anymore. To YOU: I feel your resistance, your inner fight to live, your fierceness because I am you and you are me – this is my resistance, my inner conflict, my fierceness, and I let them burn because I don’t need them anymore. To YOU: I feel your feeling of failure to make people happy and your deception and sadness because I am you and you are me – this is my feeling of failure to connect, my deception and my sadness, and I let them burn because I don’t need them anymore. To ME: I feel your feeling of rejection, your frustration, your deception, your loneliness, and as everything is burning- down- to the ground, I embrace you, like a child, I hold you in my arms and I tell you how important you are to me. How much I LOVE YOU.
Embracing myself, embracing YOU and YOUS, I let the tears and the barriers drop, I surrender, I connect, HIGHER, I feel my heart warming up and my third eye tingling. And I hope that you can forgive me, that you can forgive yourself, that I can forgive myself, and that we can forgive each other, as a conscious LOVING COMMUNITY, because the hurt was not intentional, and the hurt was there for a reason – we must look at IT (the roooot, as the Indian boy in the ride share kept saying) and then look BEYOND. Beyond, YOU and ME are glittering.
Beyond, the whole sky that unites us all is made of love and light, and nothing more, and still, still, ONE horizon and so many clouds. Let us see the clouds and let them come as evanescent ghosts, fading slowly with the high wind of the upcoming Halloween night. Let us picture ourselves on the top of a mountain, or in front of the ocean. Let us picture another person by our side, a known face, an unknown one, etc. Let us picture this beautiful garland of angels, side by side, rising and falling, rising and falling – as the waves of the same wild ocean.
Let us see what the baby sees when she looks at you with those big beautiful eyes. Deeply. She knows the Truth. She sees only angels.
I rise and I fall, I rise and I fall – and I find stillness, in this graceful movement. I turn to God, I embrace a tree, I hug a friend, I bathe in the sun.
Let us join in harmony to accept our humanness, our individualness and our divineness. Let’s take a breath, a deep one, a walk in the forest, a bath, a tea, a time, a space- to step, more and more, into ONENESS.
Sending love, and along, this heart sutra:
GATE GATE PĀRAGATE PĀRASAṂGATE BODHI SVĀHĀ
(Going, going, beyond, to the further shore, completely beyond, towards Awakening)
THE BLACK HOLE OF POTENTIAL
What does that really mean to attain your full potential? Yet fulfilling your own divine purpose sounds delightful, something has been bugging me in the idea of ‘getting’ to your potential, ‘becoming’ something, that is, reproducing the same social mind set of performance, going somewhere, being ‘somebody’ and realizing your dreams. Like a predetermined pattern by the mind. A trick. What does that really mean to attain your full potential? Sometimes it seems like a weird magical recipe, a mix of business talk with a Cinderella fairy tale; it seems impossible, or worst, it seems that some ‘chosen’ people have succeeded to burst into their full potential and others not. It creates separation, or competition, meaning either a feeling of rejection or a feeling of superiority. And this happens quite often, even within a spiritual community claiming authenticity, sharing and equal and compassionate relationship with one another. Of course, we are only human 😉 So now, how to get out of this spiritual and social standstill?
I know that our main intention, when we reach to this idea of potential, is to help ourselves and others to go towards that full realization (sometimes more external than internal though). But when someone tells you you should be able to reach your full potential, or when someone worries that you are not capable, it creates a feeling of inadequacy more than encouragement. Most people don’t see us as we are. They only see a part of us, and they judge from there. It is human. We tend to forget that the external self is only the tip of the iceberg (and we do forget our own depths!). But…What if we looked at it from another perspective….? What if the full potential were not something to construct or edify or publish or envy or hide but something that is already there EVERYWHERE, WITHIN and WITHOUT us and that the effort we must make is to RECOGNIZE IT? Would it be more simple? Or more confronting? Isn’t it RECOGNIZING our true being the definition of awakening, REMEMBERING our true nature…? Maybe the quantic leap we must ‘do’ here doesn’t have to do with ‘doing’ but with ‘remembering’, with SEEING clearly the truth of who we are. Maybe it requires more stillness than action, more concentration than distraction, more self love than judgement?
We are POTENTIAL, we are HERE, we are LIGHT and we are LOVE, and, most of all, we can choose to be HAPPY, with that knowing. It might just be a question of INTEGRATING that knowing. It is our work, our mission, our purpose. Heal and purify what gets in the way of that integration. And God knows sometimes we forget… we get discouraged, frustrated, sad, because we feel we are not ‘enough’, or that we don’t fit in, we don’t feel we are a ‘realized being’. Or we sit on our golden throne thinking we are already perfect and ‘better’ than others. And when we forget our nature (our imperfect perfection), we project our fears and ignorance and we can be hurtful. We cannot see clearly: we don’t see the flowers, the sun, the trees, the smiles or suffering some people are sharing with us, the cosmic energy; we can’t see our shadowed sweet spots, those dark areas we need to deepen and bring to light. We just see fragmented pieces, whether it be the ‘vanity’ side of oneself, or the ‘belittling’ one. Both sides are EGO. That is, we feel separate.
Thus, it is only within a feeling of HARMONY that lies our full potential. There is no mind game here, no duality, just a feeling of amplitude, connectiveness, a feeling of BEING. The more we can feel that, or recognize that knowing of harmony, peace, love – this very simple and genuine feeling – the more we are abiding in the full potential that we are. And while we stay still (laughing, crying, resenting, compassioning, understanding, smiling, rainbowing, channeling, observing) – at the same time we move forward. We trust the knowing that we are supported by that eternal feeling of ONENESS. And within that frame of pure safety and grounding, we move forward, we move deeper and we dare to face our wounds and limitations. We dare to be. As we are. IMPERFECT-PERFECTION. Nothing is taken personally, we can recognize our mistakes, we can forgive – MOVE ON. We ALIGN with our potential.
We know now we can always go back to the KNOWING. Remember. That is all that is. That is all we are. And even if we feel this full potential of being does not ‘appear’ in the material world as we would like it to, well, soon enough, it won’t even matter. Visible and invisible are always coming together. We must sharpen our INTUITION. It can be challenging to just stay in the knowing that our every breath on this Earth, if we allow it to TRULY be and go through our selves and cells, is filling us with this fully complete potential. That we don’t have to ‘do’ anything. That everything is being ‘done’ when we respect our human divine nature, our talents, our vulnerability, our skills – if we dare to see and follow the signs with COURAGE. Follow the path. SEE IT ALL. We just have to be there. And to trust the process.
Also, we are not alone. What about the interconnectedness of our potentials? What about co-creation? We are made of so many different talents. We are so much stronger when we unite instead of separating. Of course, we can unite alone (we can merge into bliss and expand). And we can unite more ‘concretely’ with others. Together we shall help each other shine. Spreading happiness, joy, even within grief, and sadness and anger, let us glow the KNOWING, within humility and loving kindness. All we need will come to us. Because it is already there- abundant. There is no linear time and evolution. Let’s step out of this illusion of an ‘everlasting non-attainable black hole of potential’. Everything is just a sinuous spiral of being with all ranges of emotions coming and going and still, one center. One source. The KNOWING. Let us celebrate LIFE. Let us be like the BAT I saw yesterday in Jarry’s park, flying high through skies of white clouds and darkness, unafraid and vibrating intuitively, sending waves of sudden instinctive understanding, while guided by the hidden Moon. OM.
Letter to my lover(s), my family, to you, to me, to all
It takes courage to live.
Truly live. Be more in touch with your profound self. Maybe you were raised a certain way and conditioned to be like this or that but I feel this deepness in you. I feel sadness and nostalgia and regrets and guilt, of something you might not see or are not being able to touch yet because of mistrust, because of pride, because you felt betrayed or misunderstood, because something in you closed up, because maybe you were not ready to feel the pain, or maybe you felt it too much. Some people feel more, some less, is that possible? Is there a balanced amount of pain one should have experienced? Pain is part of our human experience here on Earth. It is part of life. I am not glorifying it nor rejecting it. You are just a child. A wounded child. Who woke up in an adult body. Or haven’t awakened. Yet. Maybe you have that pressure to be so independent you cannot show that much of vulnerability. Or maybe you feel so vulnerable you sometimes wish you would come back to the womb… In both cases, you want to protect yourself, stay safe, by searching your ground outside when staying inside your self and hanging on there is the only way really… the only way to be, liberated, liberated, liberated…
But of course, we are scared… We act independent, we act childish. We are scared of gloriousness, of wretchedness, of being pushed aside our center of peace, of being pushed aside… simply. But peace cannot emerge from a need to control. And we cannot connect to other’s emotions only to feel our own- feel by procuration feel by drugs feel by a thrill. And neither can peace emerge from a need to be controlled. To be reassured. To take charge or be taken in charge…
Feeling the depths and connect in total honesty is important but it’s not easy. Why? Because we get caught up in mind games, we get played by ourselves and our fears. How many times have I fled a situation aiming for new horizons ahhhhh it felt good in the beginning, fresh, new, but what is that heaviness that stays? That weird pain in the chest? I have no answer… I just have been learning more and more about what karma really means. It means that when you deny a specific situation or part of yourself (sometimes unconsciously) it’s gonna come again, and again, and again, until you unravel… until you recognize – the truth within. The thing is… we like familiarity, we like to repeat. The adventurer who goes travelling around the world in search of adrenaline is also staying in the known. We like superficialities. They make us feel good, safe, in control.
So how to enter this space called- the unknown? Well, strangely enough, this dark-unknown space where we shall find our true self is actually the REAL known. So why is it still dark and unknown? Because we can’t recognize it yet… We haven’t reached that point of understanding.
Diving inside our inner life and revealing to ourselves/others is hard. It requires courage and humility, confidence and detachment, strength and a high state of vulnerability and shakiness… Thus, we are freakin’ shaky even though we try to be grounded and gain some security. We seek a guarantee that will never exist… We want independence, freedom and control, right? Or we seek somebody that will give us that… that will tell us who we are and protect that image. But control already means alienation… How can we find a way out of controlling or being controlled? How can we find a way to our true self and take root there?
Sharing really opens this potential of freedom. Why? Because when we share, we let go of barriers to create a sense of UNITY. When we share, we destroy conflict or duality. We become ONE with the other (including the ‘other’ inside us). When we are closed up, when we withdraw, we mostly are in internal conflict and ignorance and we tend to judge because we are separate. Thus, we cannot reveal to the other whatever we are not ready to reveal to ourselves. Our ego ‘prevents’ us from suffering. But, the thing is, if we are living outside our true potential, we are already suffering… We are living an illusion.
It takes courage to live.
Truly live. Be more in touch with your profound self. How can we even know we are hiding from our self? How can we see it, with clarity? How can we touch, even the tip of the iceberg, of who we really are? We might as well not like it in the beginning and we might as well don’t want to dive in. That is why we are related and relating to each other. To dive into each other’s gaze, body, fears, tears, smiles, laughs, touch, emotions, child, adult, experience, craziness, normalness, to seek the understanding we cannot yet give to ourselves… We are here to learn… We are here to heal… We are here to help.
When I feel I can actually merge in your self, I find myself in a space of dancing flashing fleeting danger: my heart opens in green flames and so many things can come up, shivers, heaviness, lightness, fire, water, and also air… but not so much ground. I sometimes lose ground, when I share. I feel like I’m losing my self, when I’m losing control, when I surrender… to who I really am. I fear that what I might share will define me. But what defines me, really, is this invisible link. Between you. And me. A golden channel. While we share – our human experience, filled with so many colours and shapes. But ultimately. I know. I am light. I am love. I know. We are. United. And so, I shall not be scared. Of expressing my experience while my self stays still. Of letting your self be expressing, also. When I share I hear the voice of the Divine inside us.
My self is still. Nor controlling, nor controlled. Just there. In pure consciousness. In pure bliss. I wish you would be there with me. Holding hands. Looking profoundly into each other’s souls. Will you surrender? Will you look at your self clearly? Can you? Can I? I sometimes feel you cannot see me. I feel invisible. Alone. Disconnected. I wish you would always stay in Presence. I wish I would always stay in Presence. We have such short glimpses. Of who we really are… Maybe we would enter a new dimension, fly through space and time, if we dared to BE- blessed.
Might we all learn to share more. Understanding that, throughout what appears to be conflict or fight or insecurities or dissatisfactions or distance or anger or injustice, there is always an underlined message, brought by the self, still, sitting on the mountain, a message of compassion, and love, for all beings.
Lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu – May all beings of all worlds be happy’
TO BE REJECTED
Cozy and recent thoughts, feelings, regressions and a lot of emotional waves are leading me to reflect about what is rejection and what it really means to me. How feeling totally out of the World since my pre-birth made me finally encounter other world(s). How feeling rejected in my loving essence was hard and challenging but also led me to this channel that is imagination, arts, poetry, healing, meditation. This space I created for myself already as a child was a pure place of expression of love, light, compassion, pain and also joy. A place where no more search was needed, no more effort of recognition or acknowledgement. It was a clear channel. This place meant searching and finding at the same time. Subject totally merged with object. Fusion.
And later on, when I didn’t find comfort in my own family, I found a spiritual one; when I didn’t feel like I belonged in this country, I found another one; when I felt I was failing a task or a project, I succeeded somewhere else. And yet, I could have led a simple life in the same city, conventions, systems I was brought up into, but something in me shouted NO, and sometimes, I directed this no upon myself. I was in reaction. I was angry. I felt misunderstood. But now I realize that everything can be contained in a NO, including a YES. And even sometimes a louder YES then every other NOs. I had my heart broken. Several times. Like everybody else. I often felt I was not enough. I often felt ashamed of myself, and attracted people that would reflect me exactly this feeling. I felt small in front of this big world that was wanting so much of that nameless though powerful thing I certainly couldn’t give. Certainly I couldn’t become THAT. And I think, actually, looking back on that invisible, nameless pressure we all have on our shoulders to be Somebody, this Somebody doesn’t even exist. Like this fake wizard in the Wizard of Oz, a small, insignificant bald man hidden between curtains and producing fear with a big machine. I saw that men created a very hierarchical world we would all be submitted to since our first breath on Earth. Thus, my inner verticality and power didn’t reside in hierarchical structure but in union with the Divine that is in everybody’s nobody. I had to connect with vulnerability.
I always felt as an outsider, I judged and criticized myself even more for not fitting in: parents’ projections, society, institutions, relationships. Sometimes by criticizing them. Sometimes by feeling crushed or choked. Sometimes by taking some distance. And then I came back. I came back. To relate differently to family, country, institutions, systems, relationships. To me. I came back to learn. To be more grateful. To forgive. Mostly to myself. To see my surroundings through more compassionate eyes. To detach. But still be linked. To be honest. But still be gentle. I am still learning to maintain my protection bubble. Maybe I had to go to a foreign country to find what was already there, hidden, locked, stuck. Maybe that moving and moving, allowing the energy to move, I learned to be still. And observe. With no judgement. Or at least trying to. Or at least being more honest about it.
But still, a voice inside kept telling me ‘you have so much to give’, ‘you have so much to give’. Everything, this entire world inside and outside is so big and so wonderful. If you dare. To try. And risk. Fly and fall. Fall and fly. Have more or less – fear? And so, I always found a way, a door, behind, a window – a place to breathe. To be me. To accept to be me even if it meant being rejected. Even if it meant rejecting myself. ‘I’m out’. How many times did I quit? And of course it was considered like fleeing, like the leaking ink of an unfinished testament. Or a lack of commitment. Or depression. Some psychologists tend to want to put you back on the ‘right’ track. But what happens if the right track is actually wrong for you? What happens when you get so confused you don’t know anymore what is right or wrong? It can lead to self-destructive behaviours. Which is, in fact, real rejection. This kind of cleavage is very dangerous, and I invite you to be careful. Right and wrong don’t exist. Life is an ever flowing adventure of light and dark moments. And everything passes. Everything is a teaching. All is so impermanent. All is so fragile and precious. Rejection can also sometimes be only an infatuation. A misperception. A misunderstanding. A mystery…
I am not my story. I am not what anybody expects me to be. Or not even what I expect for myself. I am not my humiliations. I am not my deceptions. I am not my victories. I don’t need to defy any authority. I am my own master. I can only hold an intention. I can only hold your hand. For now. While you hold mine. And rejection after rejection, shame after shame, failure after failure, depression after depression, I got closer to my truth. I got more detached from this belief system that put me in a cage, more detached from strong feelings of self-hate, learning slowly how to unlearn and unlearn and unlearn… I came back to my mother’s womb. I came back to my father’s tears. I came back to this bodiless space before birth joining sky and earth. Deconstruction is a painful work, yet important. The pieces that made what was YOU are slowly departing and you can feel lost and nostalgic, with no identity to attach to. You can feel closer to death, but yet, you are. More and more – liberated. More and more – free. More and more closer – to life. I feel more aligned with who I am. Knowing that ‘who I am’ doesn’t really exist. Which makes alignment also very fluctuant and unpredictable. I am very grateful for that ‘constantly being me’. For my anarchism. For my curiosity. For my perseverance. For my quest of truth inside-out. For being ‘wrong’.
Though, still, that fear of rejection lives in me. Yesterday, I wanted to get out running and find my perfect place alone. There, in my magical space, I could have cried. All emotions would have been welcomed and they wouldn’t need to be explained. They wouldn’t need to be coherent. They could even have been contradictory. I happen to be more and more surprised how saying yes to myself is allowing me to resonate with other beings, other truths, creating a very special and unexpected phenomena: Love amplifies.
I am discovering that this magical space I created for myself can also be shared, or we can co-create. This very true love. That is me. This community. That is my heart. That is your heart. This heart that is sometimes hateful and greedy and shattered and blue and grey and green. I see now how everything holds in a heartbeat – opening and closing, opening and closing – both movements are important. YES and NO, YES and NO. In this oscillation, I breathe, I align, I des-align, I re-align, keeping-letting go, giving- and refusing. Seeking more awareness. Being attentive. Having dreadful thoughts. Sometimes not knowing where I am connected – to which channel. ‘Is anybody there, I feel so alone’. Connecting clearly, 100%. Losing connection. With my self. With the other. Knowing that tonight you cannot bear a NO. And still keeping an open mind about it. Trusting the space.
Hearing a yes that hurts. Because love, still, hurts.